Captain Beefheart's Ten Commandments For Guitarists

1. LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.
2. YOUR GUITAR IS NOT REALLY A GUITAR
Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.
3. PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A BUSH
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn't shake, eat another piece of bread.
4. WALK WITH THE DEVIL
Old delta blues players referred to amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts demons and devils. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. IF YOU'RE GUILTY OF THINKING, YOU'RE OUT
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. NEVER POINT YOUR GUITAR AT ANYONE
Your instrument has more power than lightning. Just hit a big chord, then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.
7. ALWAYS CARRY YOUR CHURCH KEY
You must carry your key and use it when called upon. That's your part of the bargain. Like One String Sam. He was a Detroit street musician in the fifties who played a homemade instrument. His song "I Need A Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another church key holder is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty making you want to look up her dress to see how he's doing it.
8. DON'T WIPE THE SWEAT OFF YOUR INSTRUMENT
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.
9. KEEP YOUR GUITAR IN A DARK PLACE
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure to put a saucer of water in with it.
10. YOU GOTTA HAVE A HOOD FOR YOUR ENGINE
Wear a hat when you play and keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a wet paper towel around it to make it grow.

Also just out of fairness, here are electric guitar reviews 10 tips for guitar maintainance!

Here are the 10 maintenance rules that everyone should follow to keep their guitar in pristine condition:

1. Wash your hands before playing. Your hands are oily and dirty. Washing your hands before playing can preserve the fingerboard as well as prolong the life of your strings.
2. Before you put your guitar away in it’s case always wipe it down with a damp cloth to remove any hand oils that may be on it. Not a wet cloth, just a cloth that is slightly dampened.
3. Put that guitar in it’s case! Yeah, it’s fun to display them for everyone to see, but your guitar doesn’t like to be exposed to anything. It doesn’t like changing temperatures, changing humidity, or direct sunlight.
4. You know those black canvas gig bags? Yeah, forget they ever existed. Get a real hardshell case.
5. Properly humidify your guitar. Get a case humidifier and find out what the manufacturer of your guitar suggests the relative humidity should be.
6. Have your guitar’s bridge and neck setup properly for the gauge of strings you are using. If you change string gauges, have your guitar setup properly for the new strings. Obviously you don’t want to do this too often. If you know how to do this yourself that is great! If you don’t, you might want to get a professional to do it.
7. Keep your guitar clear of any heavy temperature changes. Wood expands and contracts. If the temperature changes too quickly it expands and contracts too quickly – this is bad.
8. Change your strings on a regular basis and never remove them all at one time! Remove one string at a time to replace them. Keeping your strings at the proper tension will keep that neck healthy.
9. Play your guitar every day. Thats right – play it. What happens when you leave your car parked for a few months and then try and start it up? It doesn’t really like that very much, whether it tells you or not. Run your guitar through it’s paces, it’s good for it.
10. Follow the above steps, and never, ever, let anyone else touch your guitar. Only kidding.

They both actually agree about keeping your guitar in a dark place!!
also the saucer of water thing is just to maintain proper humidity levels!